The Diary of a DM: Sodomy of the Horse (Oh the humanity…)

Like I said in the previous article, gaming groups these days are diverse. My group is no different.

In my group, we have players of different races, fathers, husbands, techies, etc. But for the sake of time, privacy, and hilarity, I will stick to focusing on their playstyles and tendencies.

In my group, I have two min/maxers, an RP fiend who loves playing off-the-wall characters and is somewhat of a stickler for the rules, a battle-minded bruiser who believes that sometimes “things just need to die”, and another RP fan who is more flexible when it comes to bending the rules.

For this first article, I’m going to focus on the min/maxers.

These guys — I’ll call them Big Poppa & Sledge (because he likes to break things — you know who you are) — LOVE to test the boundaries of whatever system we happen to be playing in.

BP prefers survivability  — as in, a cockroach’s survivability. He loves to take all the shifty shenanigans (Aha, you missed me! Now I shift my speed and, oh yeah, action point — take 200 more dmg and now you’re slowed!), and he loves to boost his Initiative (the score that determines where in the order your turn falls, for the non D&D folks out there) to insane levels. In short, he wants to pop you first, then get the fuck out of Dodge before you can react. Though for my campaign, he broke away from this philosophy a bit and became more of an in-your-face slugger, ala Goku from DBZ (when he’s pissed).

Sledge is a little bit different. As a player, he too loves survivability. But he tends to play around with the system a bit more. By that, I mean he loves to play around with feats and powers until he can almost literally not be killed by anything short of a demigod with unholy reach. In my campaign, Sledge put these tendencies to full use. He created the most shenaniganed-up son of a bitch controller, who you almost couldn’t get into melee range with, because he could send you running in the opposite direction. If you’re a WoW head, think a Warlock with Fear, with a Rogue’s stealth (for those “bok bok” moments), and a mage’s spell capabilities. (-_-)

While the descriptions above paint a decent picture of the two players, it doesnt tell you the whole story.

BP may love to create cockroach characters, but he’s not the type to take stupid chances if the odds aren’t in his favor. So I would say he makes cockroach characters, but he doesn’t run right into a dance hall just to see if he can keep from getting crushed.

Sledge, on the other hand, is likely to make 10 crazy choices by dinner. Sometimes it’s not on purpose, but often it seems to come from a desire to see what COULD happen if, for instance, you happened to smuggle a dildo — I promise, this will make sense in a bit XD — out of a whorehouse to use at a later time.

Two different players with similar approaches to character design, with drastically different approaches to ingame experience.

That’s what D&D is all about, baby.

As promised, here comes the clarity.

In one of my first sessions, our adventurers left the safety of Mesa Verde after taking a job from a reputable freight depot owner who called himself “Big John”. At this point, they were given three choices for scenarios, determined by the direction of the delivery. Each scenario would have paid a different sum of money, depending on the difficulty.

*The first option was to travel west, where they would deliver arms to the front lines of a great battle. Their payment was set at several thousand gold for delivery, with another on return — but as the battle was still raging, the job was considered highly dangerous. They chose not to take this one.

*The second option was to travel east. Big John had sent various couriers in this direction — none returned. So their job would have been to travel East, make sure the cargo reached its destination safely, and determine the fates of the missing couriers. They ultimately chose not to take this job because of the uncertainty (there were reports of monstrosities seen in the area), though it paid the most gold.

*The final choice, which they chose to take, was to accompany a caravan of cargo south to a military base in the region known as Cendrate (pronounced Sen’dra’tee). The halfway point for this trip, was a stop at an outpost called Las Pueblos — known as something of an outlaw haven.

After making all the necessary preparations, the group set out for Las Pueblos. Despite having to sort out a sticky zombie situation along the way, they eventually arrived at the outpost the following night.

To the group’s delight, their employer — who believed happy workers worked harder — arranged for them to stay at an establishment of ill-repute on the company’s dime. Naturally, this led to some very interesting RP.

This was my first lesson in DMing: be careful what setting you place your players in — they will run a mile with it.

-My RP fan/rules stickler ended up tied to a bed and blindfolded by a pair of prostitutes — who then left him there while he basically imagined himself to bliss (-_-;) (his character was, rp-wise, supposed to be very good in battle, but a dimwit, otherwise).

-BP, who was playing a monk in this campaign, ended up spending the night — in a chaste way — with a newly obtained house girl who obviously did not belong in a whore house. He ended up buying out her contract, and taking her along with the group.

-The NPC I played to give them a boost, a Spanish elf hunter named “El Cid” (with accent to match), spent the night getting drunk and busy.

-My battle-minded bruiser, who was, uncharacteristically, playing a cleric for this campaign, sat in the main hall, disgusted at the depravity of his traveling companions.

-As for Sledge. He had a bit of fun… Actually, maybe a lot of fun. But I do recall him saying, quite clearly, that he was going to confiscate a sex toy that one of the ladies happened to leave on the floor. (I blame myself for being too naive to ask why…)

In any case, sometime during the night, BP learned from the new girl, nicknamed “Chibi”, that she had overheard some days previous a conversation between other couriers for Big John discussing a shipment that was to be sent to Cendrate in a few days. From their conversation, she learned that the cargo was not supplies, as our adventurers first thought, but some kind of weapon intended to go off inside Cendrate, itself. With this info in hand, BP assembled the other members of his group together to confront the other couriers who had traveled along with them — among them a douchebag hunter named Deseveran.

After an encounter with a scientist who supposedly had information on the true nature of the cargo, BP, Sledge and the others were all set to confront Deseveran and the other couriers about what was happening–

–care to guess who hitched up the wagons and ditched the group?XD

So after hastily paying a local stable owner for use of his horses, our adventurers rode out in search of Deseveran and the caravan to stop it before they reached the town of Cendrate.

Riding at breakneck speed, they managed to catch up to the caravan, and engaged in mounted combat with Deseveran and the other couriers. My rules stickler, who chose to name his character “Flash” after Flash Gordon (we had a blast mocking the theme song anytime he did anything), swiftly dove into action — and nearly got swiss-cheesed up in one round by all the enemies (which gave birth to another of our many gaming memes — “Flash… Awww”).  But despite BP getting dismounted along the way, and due to their resourcefulness and savvy, the group managed to kill Deseveran, and whittle down the couriers to only a handful of foes — but failed to derail the caravan entirely.

BP, who, like I said, loves shenanigans, had a movement speed that could, at a dead run, outpace most horses. So he just took off on foot, and ran down one enemy. The others weren’t far behind. One of the couriers, however, was just a bit too fast for them, and it looked as if he would actually escape with the rest of the caravan.

I’m sure if a lightbulb could actually appear over someone’s head in real life it would have, at that moment, shined pretty brightly over Sledge’s.

Now, let me say that I fully understand his reasoning for what he did next… poor little horse…

Sledge promptly grabbed the… object… out of his bag, and with a creative use of Mage Hand, managed to get the horse to stop (but Dear God, who wouldn’t?)…

I hope I don’t have to spell it out for people.(T_T)

So anyway, after the horse pitched its rider up into the air and kicked him square in the face with his flailing hooves — and after we all stopped laughing –, Sledge and the others managed to rendezvous with BP to make one last charge at the caravan, which was nearly at its destination.

In the end, they managed to stop the caravan just outside Cendrate, where they were forced to battle its cargo — a large demon, which would have hatched and gone berserk inside the town.

* * *

I learned a lot of things from that session. I would continue to learn as we went along. But that night, I learned a few very important lessons as a DM that I probably will never forget.

1.) Never be afraid to put your characters in strange situations, or locations. They often make for the most fun experiences.

2.) Don’t set your game on easy mode. Your players are often — at least mine were — resourceful enough to get out of most any dangerous situation.

3.) Create villains that your players want to kill. So create the biggest, most annoying douchebags you can possibly think of.

4.) If you don’t want to see some bizarre shit — like horse molestation — don’t ever, ever, ever ever ever, game with Sledge.(-_-;)


2 thoughts on “The Diary of a DM: Sodomy of the Horse (Oh the humanity…)

  1. Lol, thanks.

    I won’t lie, there is a bit of number crunching involved — though 4th edition, despite its flaws if you ask purists of earlier D&D editions, did simplify the process quite a bit. It’s not terribly hard to understand, and once you get the hang of it, the game can really be a blast.

    If you ever decide to learn the rules and join a game, just make sure you join a good group of people who are helpful, but also who know how to have fun.

    I wouldn’t trade the campaigns I’ve played with my group for anything. Those guys are just fucking nuts.XD

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